Today was a day absurd.
cuts that I opened yesterday at the wrist terribly burned, and the pain had spread to the whole arm ... but of course it was nothing compared to hurt invisible, untold suffering to which increased hour by hour. I think that my friends have wondered why the lab hours trying in every way not to leave room for would silently ... was because I wanted to distract me, not thinking.
Eventually the morning passed, I got out from school with a terrible headache and a face that took away depressed. Gio asked me if everything was fine, it was clearly a rhetorical question because you could see for miles that was not quite so good, but it is always important to feel that c'è qualcuno a cui importa...
Dopo aver accompagnato Nacchan a comprare un paio di scarpe sono tornata in stazione e ho preso il solito treno delle 14.38, appuntamento che in qualche modo sembra destinato a segnarmi per sempre. Era caldo, affollato, io sono andata in fretta verso gli ultimi vagoni; non mi apsettavo di trovare nessuno che conoscevo. Cercavo posti liberi per non dovermi sedere accanto a nessuno, ma non ce n'erano ed io iniziavo a sentirmi molto debole perciò ho deciso di infilarmi nel primo buco che avessi trovato. Quasi alla fine ho visto che qualcuno aveva poggiato per terra un tubo per portare i disegni come quello che avevo io e ho pensato 'Liceo artistico... Magari vado lì'. Mi sono avvicinata un po' di più... CAZZO, ILIAS.
What the hell he was doing on the train at 14:38 I do not know why lately I know that he always took the first, however, was the last person who wanted to meet. I must have done one of those ridiculous phrases that come every so often and I comeparalizzata a while, so I gave him the time to notice me. Of course I went out immediately (luckily I had the door just in front) but I stopped just outside again ... I could not get away as well. I turned to look at him not sure he could see me anyway and even if he could not honestly I would have screwed a lot, just that once again I found myself wanting to have it close, you can watch that her angelic face. Wrong, wrong, not va ...
Even after I was sitting happily on its own, could not help looking back ... I started to feel bad, I wanted to cry but I could not, I wanted to breathe but I can not breathe and I was split in two as the pain.
I resisted a bit ', but eventually I realized that if I had not fallen from the train would have exploded: the bus stop was right after that so we went down together in Prato. To get to the exit I had to pass it before and it seemed to be asleep ... an angel asleep on a train. 'If the fool lacks stop laughing ... If the fool lacks stop laughing ...'. He has not missed it and joined me without knowing it, and when he saw me he made a face like 'oh my god' but as usual he wanted pretend my non-existence, and as usual there èriuscito. Apparently not yet completely indifferent, but the only thing I can think to be a little 'better ...
Straight off I have lit a cigarette, he pulled straight out but we just revised. The open air made me feel physically better, but still have a feeling of emptiness that I stole your breath ... Ilias gone to catch the bus, I sat on a bench in the garden in front of the station ... Slowly, very slowly, I began to feel a bit 'better ...
After a while, 'I came back to take the train and this time I was sure of being able to meet on anyone I knew. I had the music because the batteries were Scric cd player, then I started listening to the sound of the train and asked how I had done so far without it: it was a sound so beautiful, it seemed that they carried away all ... except my pain. The suffering has increased slowly, I could not stop thinking about him, his face so sweet and feminine, those eyes too deep to not get lost ... and then his hands, the hand that once I grabbed him off while he was leaving the train and thought that his hand was like mine, small and delicate but more beautiful, fine ... Ilias's hands are so different from the way the other guys have narrow hips, or face, or throat ... It 'a hand I never got close, but affectionately. Then once I remembered that I had even jokingly embraced tight while his friends stepped on 'for fun' by saying 'I will protect you ... Abbraacio not you hear my sweet mother? ' I had voiced for the 'You're not protecting me, you're still holding out !'... one with him and his friends (met by chance once I had to go to school 10 minutes late) was one of the most beautiful mornings of my life ... But it's been so long ... You probably think back to mid-protective embrace and sadistic half was the worst thing I could do.
When I took the bus I was psychologically broken, and I could only think that I wanted again and cut more deeply. I sent an sms to Kanym saying that I would not have connected to MSN, do not wait ... This reminded me that just the day before I had promised that if I wanted to hurt me again, first I had to call ... At the end of the reasoning I sno realized that I did not feel like, and when I got the idea to an end just did not seem wrong, but also terribly stupid. During the trip I started to compose a testodi which had long been the ghosts in my head ... The title is 'Violent Flowers' and speaks of blooming flowers and the life that seems to return to me, and I'm finally free ... Slowly
even those memories that made me suffer so they stopped exercise have become especially painful and sweet, and nostalgia has made me almost smile ... I thought they are just an idiot and that I would never again allowed to desiderari deeper cuts for a reason like that.
Do not look for the cause of the sweetness found in the spring, it flowers in the sun or bright in the sky: none of this has ever communicated ideas of vitality (the sun then I hate it). Look for it in the fact that I'm back in love, and that even if I walked alone I did not feel abandoned.
the bottom are too stubborn to lose that little spark of (painful) hope that keeps me still tied to Ilias, and that somehow represents all the hopes of my life. These flowers
scented sweet madness that grew inside me for days have finally bloomed in my hands. We love children
violent ...
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